i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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