I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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