So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
