If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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