were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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