The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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