In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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