so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
