Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
