Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
