I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
