if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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