After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
