i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
