checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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