Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
