I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
