you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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