can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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