you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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