my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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