oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
