the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
