Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
