i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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