Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
