It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
