come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
