Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
