Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
