Your dad touched me again.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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