the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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