i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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