You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
