I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
