Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
