for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
