So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
