he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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