dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
there's paper in my vomit.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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