I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
