1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
