Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
