I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
