John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
