dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
