is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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