I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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