Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
