Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
